No Boards, Dragon Breath and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Flight

Back in South America, my boards however, decided they rather liked Australia and they are going to stay atleast one more day. This could be disastrous as I fly to Lima very early on the 20th. So basically, if they don´t come tomorrow I´m not sure what I´m going to do. I´ll probably try to talk them into sending it up to Peru, but if they can´t do it, I will have no idea what to do. I might have to reschedule my flight if they don´t get the boards to me. Hopefully that will mean that they will reschedule for free because they are the ones that lost my boards.

This has led to some below average hygiene maintainence (not that it was good before). I figured that I dídn´t need a shower before I left, actually I wasn´t given any time. The shuttle bus came to pick me up when I was still in my boxers. I figured that I could at least brush my teeth at the airport. I was wrong. The line was such a clusterfuck that I had to stand for two hours so I wouldn´t lose my place and by the time I had checked in I had to put my ¨liquids, gels and aerosols¨in my board bag. No worries, just brush my teeth as soon as I get off the plane. I was actually thinking that I could just get some time in the layover to buy a toothbrush. Nope, my airplane takes off an hour late, giving me only 15 minutes to rush onto the plane, at which point I´ve started to break into a sweat.

So now, here I am, Mr. Sweaty Greasy Dragon Breath, getting onto the plane and what happens? For the only time in my life I get the seat next to The Hot Girl. Let me explain this for those who don´t understand. Everytime I fly I spend my last twenty minutes in the Airport Lounge scouring the area for my particular flight´s most attractive girls. On most flights there are between 3 and 6 decent to good looking girls with one standout. I pick which ones I´d most like to sit next to and when I go onto the plane it´s like a small lottery. I see all the girls and check which ones have empty seats next to them. Most of the time, about half the girls have boyfriends so I´m usually looking at 1 or 2 single good looking girls on my flight. If I´m on first I´ll watch them come in, examining the aisles looking for the seat. It´s always a bitter disappointment when they pass by. I really have not had much luck with this, in fact, until today/yesterday, I´ve never sat by a hottie let alone The Hot Girl.

So of course, I sit next to Her today, not a hot girl, but The Hot Girl. She was a sexy little colombian named Maria and here I am, greaseball hair, sweat/BO, and the worst breath ever. Every time I opened my mouth I thought someone farted. So obviously I´m a little self conscious and shy. To top this all off, I´ve got a seat that doesn´t stay still and absolutely the least legroom of any flight I´ve ever been on. So I´m now fidgeting and squirming, releasing gaseous explosions from my mouth, sweating even more from the fidgeting and here this beautiful little columbiana is not even moving. She slept the whole flight in the fetal position (imagine how small you have to be to sleep in the fetal position on a plane). I there existed the possibility that I frightened the girl.

But other than that debacle, the flight was great...oh, yeah, wait my inflight entertainment was scratched to death and I couldn´t play inflight movies or music. I kept getting these screetching noises, feeling like I´m in a Vonnegut novel. And then, on top of all this, they lose my bags. So now I don´t have my bathroom kit, or my boards, I´m still clearing out rooms when I open my mouth, my hair has never looked greasier, and if my breath isn´t killing people then my BO sure is.

I love traveling.